The other day, an office friend sent me the link to a news item. A married man
in India had inadvertently mentioned the "divorce" mantra in his sleep!! And now,
the elders in his community claim that the marriage is annulled!
Another news item claims that in Rajasthan, a declining sex ratio has altered the conditions of arranged marriages. The girl's parents rejects offers of marriage from men unless the potential groom's family also has a marriageable daughter for their son.
Barter, trade or pure business dealings?
Recently, the local newspaper also added to this "marriage for business" controversy by declaring that divorces occur more only when people go into marriages with the expectations of lasting love. In olden days, marriage used to be for purely business and physical reasons, and though the partners strayed from the relationship, they rarely broke up in public.
As a malayalee girl growing up in Kerala, I was amused at the history of Kerala women, Nairs in particular. The practice of polyandry and polygamy prevailed in kerala before 1912. In south Malabar, women got respect if she had more lovers. It was customary that this number should not exceed ten or twelve!! the men used to arrange their turns and also divide expenses. When a woman returned the clothes and shoes :) that were given to her by the man at the beginning of the relationship
(called sambandham), the relationship was over. The children are brought up in the tharavad or joint family. The men live in their ancestral homes and "visit" the wives only at night. Wow, what a system! And then we had the British come in and spoil everything!!! :)
The vast majority of marriages in India are still arranged business and social contracts between the families, with the marriage partners barely seeing each other before tying the knot. Although in the metropolitan cities, this may not be so evident, the vast majority of India lives in villages where the gun of "reputation" is still used to silence many of the youth who happen to fall in love with the "wrong person" usually of a different religion, caste or status.
Though falling in love is the main theme of Indian movies, in most Indian marriages, the main theme is falling out of love, if indeed there was a brief attraction some time between the marriage and the first baby. I admit that some of these arranged marriages do work, especially if the partners do not have high expectations of it. But do they ever experience the spontaneity of falling in love? They probably do, but are not bold enough to take a step outside of society's acceptance boundaries.
Whenever we go to India on vacation, it was a given fact that we would stay at with my husband's family. This was solely because of the irrational belief that a woman should give up everything once she marries, to the point of forgetting her own home!. How easy it is to accept unreasonable expectations forced on you by the masses.. "don't cause trouble - why can't you be like everyone else?"!!
Dowry system is thriving underground. Very few brides have the guts to destroy the family "reputation" by breaking off a marriage based on greed. Magazines are full of advertisements where the bride can barely stand because of the weight of all her jewellery! Imagine what this does to people with small incomes! One can only hope that aborting female babies, dowry deaths and the system of dowry itself will soon vanish into history!
Working women everywhere still take hundred percent of the responsibility of child rearing. Even if the women earn the same or more than their husbands, it will be many many years before Indian society begins to understand what a true marriage should be - a relationship based on love and respect and true equality for women and men.
