BY MAYA NAIR

Recently one of my friends sent me the link to a site with interesting information for the Indian Diaspora. ( http://www.anonymousdesi.com )

Some of these "children" are well into their 30s, still trying to find a “match” that will make themselves AND their parents happy. Ah, well, GOOD LUCK!

What amazes me is the utter lack of communication among the Indian parents here and the sheer helplessness of the children to connect with the parents.

Caught between two cultures, we are all forging a new path in this “forbidden zone” where children growing up here have the SAME (!!) rights that we do! This USA govt, now why did they have to go and do THAT??? J

When we were growing up, we listened to our parents! There was no question about NOT doing EXACTLY what they wanted us to do. For the majority of us, there was really no choice. Although I did have a choice, most of my friends barely got to talk a few sentences with their bridegrooms before they found themselves face to face on the marriage night! EEEK!

Well, the younger generation growing up here are NOT Indians, they are AMERICANS. And they did not see their friends or neighbors marrying just for the sake of getting out of the house or pleasing their parents. They actually believe in falling in “love”, a strange phenomenon the very mention of which makes average Indian parents

tremble!!!

WHAT??? Without knowing the caste, creed, color (“fair and white” is always IN for Indians.. J) education ($$$$) and most of all, class! How can LOVE happen just like that?  THAT’s impossible!

Granted, most people want the life of a loving married couple, respecting each other and willing to die for each other, “until death do us part”..

But wait, think of ALL the marriages in your family.. how many of them are even close to a dream marriage? How many Indian families, women especially, spend day after day, hoping for some improvement in the relationship? How many Indian couples will go to a counselor or accept therapy if needed? After all, in “the land of the thousand sons”, does a woman really have a voice, a choice?

In any situation, compromise or agreements may be reached only if both parties are willing to negotiate fairly. Otherwise, in the situations where Americans divorce and try again, Indian families in trouble just go along, day after day, until they die! L The loss of self-control also makes some women manipulative and cruel to the rest of the women in the family (the mother-in-law syndrome). Unhappy with their lives and yet, treat with contempt the women who have the guts to make decisions on their own!!

A bad marriage certainly maims the children! Surviving abuse in the family and then to be able to carry on a normal relationship with a human being is a farfetched notion. It usually takes years of therapy to deal with violence and its aftermath. Our children learn about relationships by watching us.

So the first thing we as parents need to do is to make our children understand that they are WHOLE by themselves. They do not NEED anyone else to make their life complete. Then, when they are happy and settled, they may share their life with someone who deserves them, someone who will make their lives happier with love and friendship. Only if they DESIRE to, do they need to create children.

We have enough children in the world. Every Indian couple need not have children unless THEY WANT TO. When I was growing up, it wasn’t a choice. Although I wanted children, many of my friends didn’t but were too terrified to speak up. Even now, couples who decide not to have children are looked down upon by Indian society. The newly weds are always asked “Any GOOD NOOOSE?” yeah, the good news is that they are happy together!

Among my Indian friends, I know a couple who is unaware that their daughter is living with a man. Another parent completely denies her daughter’s boyfriend even though she spends a lot of time in his house and even sleeps there. A close friend still beats her 19 year old daughter (on the face!) every time she mentions her boyfriend.

Just like the dangers of the internet that we discuss with the kids and helped them navigate through, we parents have to discuss subjects such as sex, responsibility, morals, differences between love, infatuation, attraction etc while taking care to not shut down communication channels with our biased opinions and judgments. (Yeah, I am still working on that one! J ) The more prejudiced we are, the more we drive the children to unwise choices.

What will make Indian parents open their eyes? No, returning to India is foremost in their minds, but alas, more and more couples in Indian cities are living together rather than even getting married. India is fast absorbing the western way of life as well as the outsourcing dollars that pour in. If a marriage is not based on trust and love, women in India, especially the educated, self-sufficient, city bred ones, are not willing lose themselves in it.

So please talk to your children. Ask them to explain to you why they want things a different way. Remember that they are adults and open up your heart to keep communications alive. You will have a good relationship with your children if you are willing to change with the times. Do not worry about what your Indian friends will think. Believe me; most Indian kids here do the same, on the sly, ANYWAY. Their parents may be clueless, but we need not be!

Let us pray that our children live happily ever after. J