BY MEGHANA JOSHI

Sunday August 14^th 2006

This Sunday was no different than any other Sunday in my life where dear husband and dearest child nap after a good lunch and I casually open my inbox and reply to all the mails that I received over the week. And also delete the junk that clogs my Inbox. People claiming to have gotten an order for me, people merrily giving away plasma screen TVs and hundreds of dollars for me, for free. People who want to enhance a male organ I unfortunately don’t possess.

While scrolling to find “something” that I might have missed in that junk, I saw an invite. Or rather, an evite. Evites usually don’t come from Donald Trump’s online university or the makers of Cialis. They usually come from the desi gang my kid hangs out with. But then, a month before the evite comes I usually know what day to keep clear on the calendar, and how much gas I would need, and what the other kid wants for the birthday. None of that had happened in the past few days.

Still reeling from the Hari Kunzru’s Transmission after effects, I crossed my fingers and said a silent prayer to Lord Ganesha and opened the evite. No, there was no actress dancing on the screen nor was there any Trojan to be quarantined.

This particular one was from a friend of mine, whom I knew very well. It wasn’t her “milestone” birthday where she would be ready to announce in style that she is thirty at last after five years of vehement denial. It was for a baby shower! I was more than happy to see my friend finally get into shapeless icky yucky pink and white, arm flab revealing, cleavage covering maternity tops after longing for eight long years. I was excited to hold a small baby, and to relive the moments when our kids were that age, and of course, for a new mother who would make us feel like veterans in the field by seeking our advice on everything from how to calm the baby down to getting the father involved in parenting. Babies are exciting, and yeah, pregnancies are worth celebrating.

Curious to know who accepted, and who has rejected and who hasn’t made up their minds yet, I scrolled on the guest list and gasped as I saw a list where everyone in the desi community got a turn to share the joy and happiness my friend’s new arrival would bring in their lives! Most of them “saw” the invite, and yeah, as expected, most remained undecided at the moment. Gone are the good old days where you could tell people that the postman never delivered the invite, or you absolutely didn’t get that particular voicemail because your voicemail likes to eat messages once in a while or even worse, you can claim that you got involved in something else and totally forgot about the invite. Evite sends you an invite, you open it, it sends a message to the host giving the exact time you opened the message and viewed it, and then they actually remind you a day before the event so that your pea brains don’t mess up and forget it!

I know, I know, you think I am over-reacting. For some, it is a 30$ gift and a lunch or dinner out of home so, in the end its’ all justified. And as a plus, you get to hang out with your friends whom you probably didn’t meet for a long time. I can make do with that excuse for the kiddy birthday parties that start in June, peak in November and taper off every December. I can proudly exhibit the dresses and jewelry I got from my last Indian trip, or learn what’s new in fashion by another friend whose mom just arrived with a big suitcase last Sunday, and talk about abusive mothers-in-law who cook, take care of most of the kids while moms work, and dare to ask for sometime with their sons after they come home from work. I mean, how could anyone be so insensible? Girls need time with their moms, and we all want shopping trips, movie trips exclusively with moms, without any interruption from husbands. But mother-in-law wanting to spend time with our dearest possession? That is emotional abuse and she needs to be discussed at all the potlucks and parties happening around that time frame!

My kid gets to enjoy for a few hours without having to worry about cleaning up after her friends are gone at a crowded Chuck-e-cheese’s or at a park with the clowns or characters that uncle-and-aunty got to entertain them for the day. And yeah, mom won’t even know how many pizza slices made their way to the fussy-vege-hater’s little stomach with soda.

My husband and his friends can discuss hypertension, diabetes, tri-glycerides and other problems they will soon face once they are in their forties while sipping their vodka tonics. Of course, they all have opinions about the stock market, housing market, Indian economy and whatever that lets them express their opinions without holding them responsible for it.

On an average, on such occasions, every invitee will spend thirty to forty dollars at Wal-Mart, Toys’r’us or whatever corporation they choose to promote that season. A few like me go to Macys, use their coupons, rewards and what not and pay half of what the sticker shouted out first, and then happily hand over the gift to the child and wait for the thank you from the mom and kid the next day. After all, uncle-and-aunty spent so much to entertain your kid, and it is all but natural that you should repay them with a gift for their child.

Back to the baby shower, this is the first time in my adult life that I got invited for a shower. Not that I don’t have any friends who became pregnant, but they all knew me too well to just let me know in privacy about the arrival or sometimes send a jazzy announcement card where they tell you the due date, the gender and of course the name they have chosen for the baby that you don’t have to be impatient waiting for the next six or seven months. But always, trust me, always, my daughter had been sick, or my husband took me for an impromptu romantic vacation, or my boss asked me to come to work exactly on that day. I know, coincidence, but I always make sure something coincides with any shower that I have to attend. I am more comfortable celebrating the new life in my arms than just congratulating someone on their successful egg-meet-sperm mission and watch those creepy 3D and 4D ultrasound pictures. Even 2Ds make me feel that the babies are aliens waiting to attack earth, but then after seeing mine for hours, I am used to the 2Ds now. I can tolerate them.

Anyway I had this evite that needed a reply. It was one of the much modern ones where you know the gender, chosen name, due date AND the 3D image of how the baby looks AND blog link where the couple shared everything from pictures of the growing belly to their worries and craven curries. They are very good people. They don’t want you worrying about whom the baby might resemble and gray your hair, or worse lose them in the next six months. I pulled out the list of my excuses for not attending the successful unprotected union of the Mr and Mrs and started working on phrasing something that would look very-very real to the lady in question. Typed in something in the allowed limit of words on evite and before I hit the send button, I saw something…

There was a link to her registry!!! She was a good soul who just wanted to ensure that even if I can’t make it to the party, I don’t have to bite my nails off worrying about how to send the present, or worse, what to send. She had a list of everything she wanted from Evenflo SmartSteps Jump-and-Go Jumper to the Boppy Luxe Pillow - Posies Pink to the Infant Urban Bundle Me - Diva, anything for just 34.99 or 44.99! Isn’t that a convenience? There were choices like some princess mobile for 19.99 and some kind of a princess banner for the bedroom that was cheap too, but you know, experienced people act fast and grab those opportunities before novices like me even figure out what a registry is, and why a well to do couple that could sponsor hundred babies in India will ever have a registry! A thousand hungry people could be fed instead of shoving that cake in our ever-dieting soda and sugar free bodies forcibly.

Are we not happy for you? Yes, we are very happy for you. DO we want to share that happiness through eating with you and buying you gifts that you want us to buy? No.  Instead, we would want you to call us, or send us an email and then tell us the good news and let us be genuinely happy for you, and let us show our genuine happiness with our sweet words of encouragement and support for the upcoming event. Please don’t make us buy gifts for you. Please don’t send us an evite and check on our every move and oblige us into buying something that the baby won’t use or appreciate in its’ lifetime. We don’t really care much if your nursery theme is sage and white, or pink and purple or the blue of the sky. Six months pregnant, I still crave for a party where someone will tell me that it is just a get-together to eat healthy food and anyone who is overwhelmed enough to buy an expensive gift to the host may donate that money to charity…