No, I didn’t tell these infamous words to dear husband when he put his second request for a Rolex sub-mariner. If I had, I would have been happy for saying so. I told this to my little darling.

This weekend, I finally made the heart wrenching decision of keeping Terrible Two (my second daughter- two years old) home after careful consideration of my current economical status of being ungainfully employed. All invoices lead to bleak signs of recovery in the next two quarters at least, and it only made sense to cut down on something like that. Terrible two would probably wonder why she isn’t going school come Monday, but wishful thinking says she will probably forget all about it in my tender loving care.

I feel like a failure today. Six months ago, I quit my well paying job to stand on my own two feet and free myself from cubicle and paycheck slavery. First few months were great, and I thought I had it all covered. Then came a lull where invoices weren’t paid, and projects were cancelled. I still hung in there, volunteering for a few religious projects and keeping myself well connected and networked. Then came the harsh reality of seeing my trusted people file bankruptcy and lose it all, along with my promised projects.

Now the time came to cut down expenses. Of course the first one in sight in the $1350 Montessori fees for my little one’s amusement and enjoyment. On the sly, I haven’t signed up mighty eight (my first daughter- eight years old), for color-me-mine, chess and golf classes this quarter. She hasn’t noticed yet, but will notice very soon. And probably throw a tantrum. But she will understand that she has a long life ahead to learn and unlearn many things. Hopefully without much drama.

Out of guilt, I went to Lakeshore learning center and bought a whole lot of preschool learning puzzles from Melissa and Doug to keep her learning. For those who don’t know, they are the toys mostly used in schools. They are a little expensive, but made of wood, so sturdy and there is no worry of lead unlike the Made in china toys.

Mighty eight asks, "Is Terrible two going to be homeschooled for preschool?
"Yes, probably"
"Oh, you are increasing her chances of going to higher studies by 12%"
"Huh?"
"I saw it in a movie. But don't home school me. Anyway, I go to public school, and after school color me mine, chess and golf classes aren't so expensive. Oh wait! You didn't sign me up for spring quarter!!"
"Yeah baby, it's not me, it's the economy"
“I understand. But can I keep at least one of them?”
“Yes, you may”

I need to vent more about this, but I will refrain from doing so. I will hurt me more than anyone else. Everyone tells me to cherish these moments with my daughter, and enjoying seeing grow up. But deep down, I am not at peace knowing the truth that I didn’t quit a career to be a mother. The guilt of taking this step purely for financial reasons bothers me. I have always maintained that the time you spend with doesn’t matter as much as the quality. Now suddenly to think otherwise is not possible.

One of Mighty eight’s class parents bought a Porsche Carrera yesterday, other drives a yellow Lamborghini, and everyone has euro SUVs that are hardly a year old. My neighbor shines his Bentley every morning as I pull my Honda out of the garage. No one seems to be worried about the economy. To top it, none of these women have ever worked! Their husbands probably earn as much as my guy does except for the Bentley neighbor who is a lawyer. I don't know how they are managing it.

There is something that I am not doing right, or there is a lot they have got wrong.

Coming to think of it, they might as well be living a lie. The lady who walked out on the house that I live in had such expensive furniture, the car, the closet.. Everything was so sophisticated. So much so that I wondered if I will ever be able to match her taste in decorating the place. She had stacked shoes so high that Carrie Bradshaw would never be able to. But in the end, she had to walk out and live in a dingy apartment. No one would rent her a decent one because of her credit score. Her kid had to go to community college even when she was accepted in good colleges, and the other one had to shift schools in high school.

I might be using this example to just feel better today, but hey, whatever works! I will have to hit the stores today and stack up on preschool supplies so that come tomorrow, terrible two feels home. Till September, it will be mommy-daughter time at home. I will have to discipline my little darling, I will have to teach her manners, and I will have to be a mother, not a buddy that I am right now, and still be able to let her love me the same.

My mother told me to send her to her loving care, but I brought my child in this world to mother her, and she needs me more than she needs her grandparents. She is my responsibility, not theirs. I had to say no thank you, and that I am a grownup who can take care of her own issues, and in this case, her progenies, and my worries shall not be yours anymore.

I shouldn’t have gone crying to her, but I am bound by habit. She has to know everything about everything going in our lives. She mothered me, and I am her responsibility, at least emotionally! I needed someone other than my dear husband to tell me that it’s OK, it’s not a big deal and life will be normal, very soon. Oh, I needed her to tell me that she believes in me and that I will succeed very soon, and I shouldn’t go back to cubicle slavery out of desperation.