BY MAHADEV DESAI

I try to avoid shopping as much as I can.  But sometimes it is unavoidable.  Last Thursday morning I opened the fridgefor milk.  No milk.  No bread for breakfast either.  I had to quickly resolve this crisis! I toldmy wife I would get milk and bread and be back in half an hour. I jumped in mycar and drove to the newly opened D-Mart located about six miles from my home. Nearthe entrance, there were signs in Chinese, Spanish, and English (but not inHindi) offering huge discounts and bargains. I didn’t bother to pick a shoppingbasket as I thought I wouldn’t need one. It was a huge warehouse-like storewith aisles upon aisles selling Korean, Mexican, Indian groceries, seafood,fruits and vegetables; etc.I wished I had more time and money to hunt forbargains. I bought a loaf of ‘White Mountain’ bread and dashed to the frozenitems corner for milk.

I wanted only one gallon but it was on sale so bought twogallons instead.  I carried one plastic gallonin my right and second in my left hand and tucked the loaf under my chin and waddledlike a penguin towards the cashiers. Ten feet away and the loaf slipped fromunderneath my chin and fell on the floor. I felt like a clumsy idiot. I put the milk gallons on the floor andpicked up the loaf. And suddenly remembered that Bintu likes orange juice.  I left the milk and loaf on the floor andrushed to get a shopping basket.  I returned,put the milk and bread in it and went to look for orange juice. I like to munchLays potato chips. I could not resist the tempting offer,” Buy one, get one free’,so I bought two large size packets of chips. 

My wife loves ice cream –I bought a big tub of Mayfield ice-creamfor her. As I passed the Fruits and Vegetables counters, I noticed that becausethe D-Mart had just moved in this location, its prices were really low comparedto other stores. Normally my wife buys fruits and vegetables but I thought Iwould give her a surprise.  The basketwas full and now I needed a shopping cart. So I left the basket on the floorand ran out to get a cart.  By the timeI returned, someone had kicked my basket aside. I emptied the contents into thecart and bought some vegetables and fruits. Wrong vegetables at wrong price asusual!

While I was shopping, I saw a young  man wearing a hood over his head tasting grapes,strawberries, cherries, slices of bread, muffins and other free samples as ifhe was attending a friend’s birthday party.  He picked some bananas and put in a plastic bag  as if to buy those but left the bag near theBakery counter and sneaked out quietly for free coffee !. I pushed the cart tothe cashier next to the Express Lane. Though the Express Lane was meant for customers with ten or less items,I saw a few customers check out despite carrying more than ten items.  There are only five customers ahead of me,so it shouldn’t take long, I thought.

The first customer was an old lady.  She had bought twenty items and had a bunchof coupons-some well past expiry date! Some were slightly torn, some wrinkledand some from other stores.  The cashierpatiently sorted those out while I closed my eyes and recited Hanuman Chalisa.“Who on earth thought of bribing potential customers with coupons?” The secondcustomer changed his mind about Tomato soup after the cashier had checked itout.  He thought it was too expensiveand wanted that item to be cancelled. The third customer wanted to pay bycredit card.  When the Credit card wasrejected by the machine, he couldn’t believe it and argued furiously with the cashier,who was almost in tears.  She had tosummon her supervisor for help. The man was escorted out by the securityofficer. Next customer was an old lady who took hours to open her purse, takeout dollar bills, count them thrice and also rummaged for loose cents and dimesto pay $37 and seventy two cents! The fifth customer was apparently a housewifearmed with a cell phone.  As soon as thecashier began checking out the first item, the phone rang. “Yes, honey. I’m atD-Mart. What? You need six eggs? O.K. dear, I’ll get it.” ‘Excuse me; I’ll beback in a sec.”She told the cashier and coolly walked to get eggs.  The cashier looked helpless. 

At last, it was my turn. Guess what! The customer in suitsand tie behind me said, “You mind, Sir! I have only a sandwich and a coke.  I got to rush back to my office” “Sure, goahead. But next time, try the Express lane” I said. The cashier asked me inbroken English if I had a discount card. When I said ‘No’, she cheered up, “Would you like one, Sir? It is free” ,asif she was handing me keys to a new Mercedez ! She gave me a Form to fillin.  I was conscious of the long line ofcustomers behind me, so I folded the Form and put it in my pocket. I cursedmyself for losing 5% discount. ‘Look Sir, this banana is squashed.Would youlike to get another one?”  Bintu eatsmore bananas than a monkey and I had bought a dozen instead of usual six.  But in a hurry, I had put the bunch under themilk gallon and squashed one. “Never mind. You can charge me for it” I said.